Just felt the need to share this headline with you because I found myself having a good laugh when I saw it.

Poll Finds Men Want Alba As Girlfriend

Ya think?
Pretty sure there's even a good number of women that feel the same way too.

Ladies on my list:
-Zhang Ziyi
-Bree Turner
-Heidi Lucas (Salute Your Shorts)
-Martina Hingis
-Giada De Laurentiis (Food network)
-Diane Mizota (G4/Tech TV)

There's more, it's just that they're all probably in a relationship already.
As opposed to my single ass.
Call me.

A great smile'll always get me.

So yea, I'm out of weeds to pulls, hedges to trim, and roses to prune.
Think that's the right term.
Basically, I'm done with gardening.
All of have to show for it is cut up fingers, beautiful backyard, and more freetime.

Is it sad that I want more hours to work?
Only because I'm still searching for things to keep my mind occupied.
Out of things to sketch.
Songwriting's hit a roadblock on the freeway of creativity.
At least I've still got random prose.
No. That does not include fan fiction.

For your entertainment an account of my morning thoughts in fiction format:

The splash of cold water on his sleepy face gave validity to the fact that yes, it was a new day.
As he found himself staring at his reflection he found himself focusing on the symmetrical indents on the sides of his face.
"Are those indents?" he found himself wondering outloud.
Reaching to the sides of his face he drew a conclusion.
Yes.
Yes they were.

He came to the realization that those imprints were caused by the frames of his glasses.
Upon further reflection he came to another realization.

I'm a fathead.

What other logical explanation was there that could explain why his glasses would fit so tightly on his face and leave imprints?
"Strange," he thought.
"They didn't do this last month."

At this point he found himself wondering if the exhaustive excercise regime he willed himself to over the past few months was actually showing any improvement.
5 mile runs every other day, excercise videos on off-days, and 30min. jump rope sessions on a daily basis.

The weight scale informed him that he had lost 14lbs. since he started.
Looking down at his expanded stomach he found himself wondering where the lost pounds had came from.
His A cups were still intact, and apparently his face had gotten bigger.
"What kind of crunches do I need to focus on the face?" he thought to himself.

The answer would not come to him this morning.
For at that moment, the very real fact that his keister was cold hit him.
He had forgotten to pull up his pajamas after the morning ritual draining of fluids.
--------------------------------

January's been a fun month hasn't it?

The Random Quote:
"Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore.
Somedays I sit and wish I was a kid again." - Ahmad

I like to think that if you're a 23 year old male that spends your days off gardening, you've run out of things to do.
I need distractions and I'm out of hobbies that don't involve the use of money.

Note to consumers:
Please read the signs in the store.
Very important information is out there in plain sight for you.
At the least, use your brain.
If you have one.

Hey YOU.
Got any plans for Singles Awareness Day aka Valentine's Day?
I don't.
In a cruel twist of fate, I've been given the day off and a greenlight to drink heavily that night by my boss,

Hurrah for midday shifts.
And Fridays off.
Which makes me available for late night outings Thursday.
'Cuz Friday is my official hangover nursing day.
Wether that's because I've been drinking alone or with a group of quality people remains to be seen.

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life
I was loved by you
---------------------------------

I figure that since I've got absolutely nothing to do for the next few days, I'd focus my energies on songwriting.
Better than just sitting around being grumpy because I wasted time, gas, and hours at work on bad audition information.

Plan A hasn't changed.
Still frustrating as it's always been.

The Random Quote:
"Youth is a gift of nature, age is a work of art." - Stanislav Lec(?)

Got grub, got fluids, and the Lakers won.
Yea, guess I'm charged up again.
Enough to pass out in a bit.
Hurrah for food comas.

Anybody w/ season passes to SeaWorld want to go on a rib run 'fore the end of the month?
I have Monday and Tuesday available at the moment.
Trying to take advantage of the free dessert at my favorite place to grub there during the month of January as a reward to passport members.
'Cuz it's still very akward to go there by myself.

Would anybody be interested in free admission to the Wild Animal Park AND the San Diego Zoo?
If we act before March, it'll be free admission for 14 months.
I just need to join the Zoological society w/ a nice donation and put you down as a roommate.

Back to Plan A careerwise.

Only took me a week and a half to get a payraise.
Cuz I am that good.

Also because I'd agree to work an unscheduled shift right after donating some blood today.
Hurrah for free juice.

So can anybody understand why I'm so frustrated 'bout not getting into culinary school this year?
I explained in detail that there is very little risk involved in being a co-borrower for me.
Just had to sign and forget...after receiving a bribe from me.

For what it's worth, thank you.
Wether you take that as genuine or sarcasm is dependant on your self-analysis of how you dealt with my situation the past few months.

Feeling woozy, need to recharge.
Missing out on a great show tonight too.

The Random Quote:
"Not enough friends." - Grab.com

Still undecided if the cute twenty-something customer was flirting with me at work today.
Pretty sure the twin MILFs weren't.
And I still swear that someone grabbed my ass the other day.

Please don't let it be a guy.
Kinda tired of attracting guys.
It's flattering, but I prefer women...
That are of legal age.

Does all the flirting I've been doing the past week or so do anything for me?
Not really.
Just empty fun.
If anything, it serves as a nice distraction to life.

Better than sitting in an empty house, drinking, left to my own devices, and doing nothing but thinking.
Cuz too much thinking just leads to negative things.

Sorry, no sarcastic rant.
I know I've been burning bridges for the past few months.
I'd rather let them burn out on there own.
For those that are curious, it does have a connection to the ex.
Just not the ex directly.

Single male seeks female playmate for penis.
Think that headline would attract any attention?

So yea, I thought I was the shiznit the other day because I managed to pull out two chocolate chip granola bars from the box of Chewy Granola Bars.
When I grabbed a third chocolate chip granola bar that night, the euphoria ended.
I realized that I wasn't grabbing them from the mixed Chewy Granola bar box.
No, I was just grabbing from the standard Chocolate Chip one.

Many things to post about.
Just undecided on one.
It's a rant.
But apparently done in an amusing way.
Done at the expense of insulting someone.
But it's not like that person's ever read my Online Journal Thingy.

Guess I'll just take the advice of my friend and sleep on it.
Even if the flipped coin, Rob Schneider, and Nike tell me: "Do it."

Typos, good fun.

The Random Quote:
"By the time I'm 30, I swear I'm gonna teach myself how to do the splots." - Anonymous AIM friend

Spent my freetime today with a second read-thru of the aforementioned novel.
Reason being, to find this one passage and share it with you.
Thoughts on clubs/bars:

Something needs to happen. Something huge. The taking over if something, a building, a city, a country. We should all armed and taking over small countries. Or rioting. Or no: an orgy. There should be an orgy.

All these people-we should close the doors and dim the lights and be naked together. We could start with all of us, K.C. and Jessica, go from there. That would make it all worthwhile, that would justify everything. We could move the tables, bring in some couches, mattresses, pillows, towels, stuffed animals...

But this-this is obscene. How dare we be standing around, talking about nothing, not running in one huge mass of people, running at something, something huge, knocking it over? Why do we bother coming out, gathering here in numbers like this, without starting fires, tearing things down? How dare we not lock the doors and replace the white bulbs with red and commence with the massive orgy, the jouyous mingling of a thousand arms, legs, breasts?

We are wasting this.
----------------------------

Got reminded of this when I got offers to go clubbing this weekend.
Sorry, got that out of my system in high school.
It's all about bars and alcohol for me at the moment.
Probably be more enjoyable if I had a wingperson to accompany me to help me remember the average age of the women I was being the life of the party for.

Need to remember to make use of the camera phone I got.
Keep forgetting the faces that go with the numbers I find in my pocket the next morning.
Hoping none of them belong to guys.

It's so much more expensive being a single male as opposed to a single female.
Because low rise jeans, male cleavage, and the potential of seeing male genitalia doesn't get us free drinks.

Yup.

The Random Quote:
"Oh please just, let me please breakdown." - Jack Johnson

Found myself coming to a sad realization during a surprise chill session w/ my lil sis Mar tonight.
Out of the past 5 some-odd years, I've only had 6 college friends visit me in San Marcos.
Not for a party, or a pitstop, or to pick me up to go someplace else.
To actually chill, hold a conversation, eat/drink, play games, have a hands on lesson of human anatomy, whatever.
Something that involves interaction of at least half an hour.
Yes, that total does include Sandee.

Some of you make it seem like San Marcos is a whole different world.
Sure the 760 area code reaches up as far as Barstow.
But it's not that far away from San Diego.
I'd gladly drive down to chill w/ you, how come the best you can drive up is halfway?
And why is it that the majority of my visitors come from up north?

Makes me wonder how different things would've been if I actually got another year of Spanish in during high school.
I'd be an Anteater from UCI.
A bored Anteater.
Than there's USC.
If finances permitted I could've been alumni by now.
Maybe even be farther along in my film/television career.

What if?
Fun question huh?

In trying to figure out which branch of the armed forces to join, I tend to look at the possible ways of dying on the job.

Army: Get shot, hurts alot. Shrapnel, chemical warfare, and other explosive devices probably wouldn't be fun either.
Navy: Drown at sea or eaten by sharks.
Airforce: Explode in plane.

If you think I went to an Airforce recruiting office on Friday, you are correct.
Didn't need a physical to tell me I'm out of shape and have bad vision though.
That's common knowledge.

I figure that since I've had to scrap or put on hold one dream after the next (acting, marriage, culinary school), I might as well waste my life serving the greater good.
At least I'd be doing something.

It's not like I wanted to keep the house where I spent 16 some-odd years growing up.
Pretty sure the other states might be nice to live in seeing as how I'd never be able to realistically afford a house in California.

Needed to vent a bit.
Sorry.

The Random Quote:
"I swear that other guy at the bar has better breasts than you." - Anonymous

Something light.
Because I don't need any more cheese to go w/ the past few posts.

An excerpt from A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers:

Oh I could be out, rollicking in the ripeness of my flesh and others', could be drinking things and eating things and rubbing mine against theirs, speculating about this person or that, waving, and indicating hello with a sudden upward jutting of my chin...
...and so eventually we'll go home together, her apartment, where she lives alone, in a wide, immaculate railroad type place, newly painted, decorated by her mother, then sleeping in her oversized, oversoft white bed, eating breakfast in her light-filled nook, then maybe to the beach for a few hours with the Sunday paper, than wandering home whenever, never-
Fuck. We don't even have a babysitter.
-------------------------------

It's a good read.
Random at times.
Kinda reminds me of my thought processes sometimes.
I recommend that you pick up a copy for yourself, or borrow it from me when I finish up the last few pages.

Musically, I recommend Micheal Tiernan.
Caught a live set of his Friday night.
Writing, arrangement, voice, all excellent in my opinion.
As soon as my paycheck clears, I'm probably gonna pick up his album.
You should also, you won't be disappointed.

Like I was when I had more people flake on me tonight.
One reason I didn't pick up a CD tonight was cuz I blew away all my cash at the bar.
Is it just me, or does live music never coincide with happy hour?

To the bottlenose whale swimming up the River Thames in London:
You can do it!

Damn Lakers.

The Random Quote:
"I'd hit on you, but I don't have enough alcohol in my system yet." - Anonymous

Thursday night.
Lakers lost.
I have absolutely NOTHING to do tomorrow...

Why am I drinking alone at my house again?

Nope.
Nothing yet.

If there was any good news waiting for me after I got out of work today, I have yet to find any.

No.
Cute co-worker wasn't working today.

Yes.
I am looking into casual dating now to distract me from my thoughts.

If I had won tickets to Quidam, would it have been a solo trip like the Drew Carey Improv show?

Anybody wanna join me in San Marcos for a cover-free rock/folk/acoustic/pop set tomorrow night?

It's fun being hated by the masses.
At least I know what it'd be like to be a politician now.

Bibbidy Bobbity Boo.

The Random Quote:
"If you see a turtle on top of a fence, it probably didn't get there by itself." - Anonymous

More random fun from AIM:

Howslife14: so yea, my horoscope's telling me to ask the cute co-worker to the live music thing in San Marcos Friday night
Howslife14: just need to figure out if she's legal first
super M A R 52: dooooo it!
super M A R 52: hahahhahaha
Howslife14: I figure she's college bound seeing how she mainly works morning shifts
Howslife14: just wondering what the age difference is
Howslife14: hate to come off as the lonely old man
Howslife14: "I've already heard that story grandpa"
super M A R 52: ew
super M A R 52: hahhahaha
Howslife14: love that joke
super M A R 52: well... so long as ur just lookin for a lay... then it should be okay
Howslife14: wasn't thinkin' that far ahead
Howslife14: not even sure if I'm in that mindset yet
Howslife14: got the tools for it though
Howslife14: hurrah for Gemini charm
Howslife14: and size 11 shoes
super M A R 52: hahhahaha

Howslife14: honestly, I'm surprised I haven't used my employee discount yet
aznriceboi858: for candy
aznriceboi858: haha
aznriceboi858: i never kjnew u had such a sweet tooth
Howslife14: yea
Howslife14: got a major one
Howslife14: another reason I'd like to get into culinary school
Howslife14: so I can truly blame myself for getting fat
aznriceboi858: haha
aznriceboi858: icic
aznriceboi858: lol

I need to get more sleep.

There are many reasons why I enjoy having my own DVD of The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
The following song being one of them.

So Long & Thanks for All the Fish (End Title version)

So long and thanks for all the fish
So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all but oh dear

You may not share our intellect
Which might explain your disrespect
For all the natural wonders that grow around you

So long, so long and thanks for all the fish

The world's about to be destroyed
There's no point getting all annoyed
Lie back and let the planet dissolve

Despite those nets of tuna fleets
We thought that most of you were sweet
Especially tiny tots and pregnant women.

So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish

Yea

So long and thanks for all the fish
So sad that it should come to this
We tried to warn you all but oh dear

Despite those nets of tuna fleets
We thought that most of you were sweet
Especially tiny tots and pregnant women.

So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, so long, so long, so long
So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish

Thanks, for all the fish
--------------------------------

Mos Def is just awesomeness defined.
Another extremely talented mofo I'm jealous of.

The Random Quote:
"Don't Panic!" - Hitchhiker's Guide

Wit and insight, all in one conversation.

Howslife14: things'll work out in the end
xpoopiesx: yeah, always does
Howslife14: if anything, I'll just waste a year saving up and building good credit to re-apply for next year's longer program
xpoopiesx: ya know, that's not always a bad idea though... working full time will help u save up a lot
Howslife14: true
Howslife14: but I'd rather take the shorter program
xpoopiesx: how long is the longer program?
Howslife14: than use the rest of the year getting extra experience and better pay
Howslife14: 8 months
Howslife14: but that won't start up 'til 2007
Howslife14: they're only offering up one baking and pastry arts course this year
xpoopiesx: i can see where ur point
Howslife14: just wasted time if I don't get in this year in my opinion
Howslife14: most people don't notice that though
Howslife14: forget I'm working w/ a time limit
xpoopiesx: today is officially 'let's randomly im me day'
xpoopiesx: guys are so irrititating
xpoopiesx: this random guy im'ed me
Howslife14: I see
xpoopiesx: asking if i would give him head
Howslife14: .....okay
xpoopiesx: 'would u give a guy a blow job for $500 if he was cute?'
Howslife14: assuming I was a girl or a homosexual
Howslife14: yes
Howslife14: cuz the standard rate would be $200 last time I checked
xpoopiesx: lol

The Random Quote:
"I went through puberty twice... for THIS?!" - Sky High

consensus (n): agreement in the judgement or opinion reached by a group as a whole.

Keyword is group.
Some of you feel that I am directing my anger towards you.
If I have had healthy conversations w/ you in the past month via phone, in person, or through AIM and it didn't focus on just your credit worthiness and wether or not you could help me, I ain't mad at cha.
I've only ill-tidings towards those that do have the means to help me out, and choose not to w/o offering up a valid reason.
I've also forgotten the proper sentence structure since my hiatus from English classes.

Now my actual post for tonight...

I have a dream.
I have many dreams.
One of which involves natural breasts and my penis.
Joking aside, I've got three dreams I'd like to see turned into reality this year.

One: To graduate from culinary school this year. That's assuming I can find someone w/ good "credit worthiness" to back me up.
Two: Find someone to offer stable support for me on a daily basis.
Three: Get a job.

At least I've accomplished one so far.

Went to follow up on job applications on Sunday, ended up getting hired on the spot even though I forgot to put down contact info for my personal references.
I attribute this to dumb luck.
My mother thinks her prayers were finally answered.
My new, chill boss, just wanted more non-high schoolers to mind the store.

Sweet Factory
$6.75 per hour to start, with pay increases based on performance.
It feels good to actually get to complain about having to go to work now.

Feet are extremely sore from an 8hr. shift today.
Could use a massage, even if I have ticklish feet.
Also have an extremely ticklish neck.
Probably laugh to death if you choked me.

The Random Quote:
"I prayed for you to get a job." - Mother Mose

B-Day shout out to my niece!
She's two today.
Let's hope terrible times aren't ahead for the family up in Utah.

So yea, haven't really been able to write any songs since my first ex.
Figure I got nothing better to do these days than to try to write again.

Untitled

Do dew
Da do dew
Da do dew
Cleavage.
------------------------------

Yea, not quite near the quality I used to put together.
Actually, my serious writings are for my eyes only.
Maybe with enough interest I'll post one.

Maybe.

The Random Quote:
"Hot Topic is not punk rock!" - MC Lars

I would very much like to own a DVD copy of Into the Woods.
My favorite musical of all time.
I'm allowed to say that and still be considered manly because I've been a performer for over a decade.
Where have the years gone?

One of my favorite songs from the musical:
Agony Pt.1

Cinderella's Prince [A]:
Did I abuse her or show her disdain?
Why does she run from me?
If I should lose her, how shall I regain
The heart she has won from me?
Agony!
Beyond power of speech.
When the one thing you want
Is the only thing out of your reach.

Rapunzel's Prince [B]:
High in her tower
She sits by the hour
Maintaining her hair
Blithe and becoming
And frequently humming a light hearted air
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-
Agony!
Far more painful than yours
When you know she would go with you,
If there only were doors.

Both: Agony!
Oh the torture they teach!
B: What's as intriguing-
A: Or half so fatiguing-
Both: As what's out of reach!

A: Am I not sensitive, clever
Well-mannered, considerate,
Passionate, charming,
As kind as I'm handsome,
And heir to the throne?

B: You are everything maidens could wish for!
A: Then why no-?
B: Do I know?
A: The girl must be mad!

B: You know nothing of madness
'Til you're climbing her hair
And you see her up there
As you're nearing her,
All the while hearing her
"Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-"

Both: Agony!
A: Misery!
B: Woe!
both: Though it's different for each.
A: Always ten steps behind-
B: Always ten feet below-
Both: And they're just out of reach
Agony!
That can cut like a knife!

I must have her to wife...
---------------------------------

If you're familiar w/ the basic fairy tales, you'll probably enjoy this musical.
Would really enjoy the opportunity to perform in a production of this in my lifetime.

So yea, my reserved spot is gone.
Now it's a first come, first served basis.
Only doubt I have of getting in is covering tuition.
Last time they'll be doing the 6 1/2 month program.
Gonna renovate, and restructure the program.
Next year it'll be an 8 month program.

Any assistance in the form of a co-borrower would be greatly appreciated.
I'd probably name something after you.
Unborn child.
Culinary creation.
Restaurant/franchise.
Penis.
Something.

The Random Quote:
"Perhaps it will take the two of us to get this child." - Into the Woods

So I went and got my hands on Ricky Martin's new album Life for my older brother the past week.
I guess that's what old people his age (mine + five) listen to nowadays.
Found myself only liking one song off the album...

Ricky Martin -Save the Dance

I met you on a side, an accidental hi
And I missed you, before I met you
Your lips I want to taste, it's not the time and place
And it can't be, I'm sorry
It's like we've talked a thousand times
And made love with our eyes

But tonight is not the night
I'm with somebody else and I can't lie
With me and you, it's never goodbye
Let's save the dance for another life

I'm guilty in my mind, cause I can't close my eyes
My spirit, can hear it
So let the music play, the changes I can't make
To heal you, conceal you
It's like we've walked a thousand miles
To make love with our eyes

But tonight is not the night
I'm with somebody else and I can't lie
With me and you, it's never goodbye
Let's save the dance for another life

The love that wavers on(?)
I could never be without you

Without you...
Wish that I could tell you that tomorrow is all about you
But there's no time, I'll meet you in another life

But tonight is not the night
I'm with somebody else and I can't lie
With me and you, it's never goodbye
Let's save the dance for another life

But tonight is not the night
I'm with somebody else and I don't want to watch you walk away
With me and you, it's never goodbye
Let's save the dance for another life

Save the dance for another life...
Save the dance for another life...
Save the dance for another life...
---------------------------------

I'm not saying it's a bad album.
I'm just saying that I found myself adding only this song to my winamp list.
Maybe the rest of the songs'll grow on me over time.
Like fungus.

Album sales should be fine.
He has a sexy, non-asian, foreign accent, and when he shakes his hips it's just gold.
So he's kinda like a PG-13, international, Chippendale performer.

Because videos produce album sales.
The one I picture in my head involves Ricky in a Zorro-esque situation.
Let's face it, Ricky in a tight Zorro outfit = $.

Now if I had a Jerry Bruckheimer budget, I'd expand the star-crossed lovers tale throughout time.
Place Ricky in every single fantasy that women dream him in 'sides Zorro.
A dashing medieval knight.
Possibly a pirate.
War veteran.
And just for the hell of it, vampire hunter
Because all of these situations would make for great setups for love that could've been.

Sure, it sounds like a bad video.
But all you need are tight shots of Ricky Martin's sweaty body and nobody'll really give a damn.
Probably even get an MTV music video award because video standards have been steadily dropping in general.
Is it too much to ask for a quality, story driven video?

The Random Quote:
"You know that I would now, if only I could." - Jack Johnson

Alot of the things I post about stem from AIM conversations...

aznriceboi858: u
Howslife14: editing my ojt
aznriceboi858: ahh
aznriceboi858: icic
Howslife14: and wondering if I've dealt w/ enough crap in my life yet to make for an extended stand up-routine yet
aznriceboi858: haha
Howslife14: probably not yet
Howslife14: but that is a fun word
Howslife14: "yet"
Howslife14: add an "n" to the front of that and you're Russian
Howslife14: denying the lapdance from the ugly stripper
aznriceboi858: wtf
aznriceboi858: haha
Howslife14: freetime + Reggie= dangerous combination

What have we learned today kiddies?
Keep my ass distracted.
Please.

I need a new meditation technique.

This is what my old standard entails:

Start by closing your eyes and clearing you mind out to the point where it is nothing but a black void.
Start playing the most relaxing music you know if in your mind.
Now create a hollow, white circle and place it against the black void.
Watch it spin while continuing to play your ideal song.
While it spins, let is suck in all the troubles of your world.
Let go of all the shit, drama, stress, and tension in your life into the spinning circle.
When it's full, physically reach out, grab the circle and crush it.
Take that ball of frustration and throw it as far away from you as possible.
Open your eyes and make sure you didn't hit any household pets.
Now take a deep breathe in, and than exhale slowly.

I forget how I came across this technique.
It's served me in keeping me the "laid back" guy we all know and love.
It's also helped me to calm my nerves before a performance.

It just doesn't work for me anymore.
My mind treats it as routine lately and it doesn't help with anything at the moment.
Probably cuz there's so much crap, my spinning circle suffers from cloggage.
Needs a mental enema.

So yea, please direct any techniques that you have discovered and send them my way.
There are lots of ways to contact me, just need to click on the right things on this page.
Please none of the standard chanting techniques though.

More light posts headed your way.
May some divine power strike me with lightning and bring a partial break to my misery if I don't do so.

To keep you company 'til the next post, try pondering if a Disney backed movie 'bout the greatest man-whore of all time played by Heath Ledger will do well in the box office.

Casanova, definitely had some good times.

The Random Quote:
"I hate Mondays." - Garfield

I'm starting to wonder if I've become bi-polar.
Most of the time I'll be okay, than out of nowhere, an Emeril "BAM!" and I'm utterly miserable.
Nowadays there is no trigger.
Just sudden sorrow.

People, do me a favor if possible.
If you schedule something with me, do not change your plans and leave me hanging.
Family emergency, understandable.
Chasing a booty call, not really.
Generally, I'm hurting right now.
I don't need disappointment from the people I place trust in right now.
Cuz trust is my big issue.

Many have been wondering why I'd prefer to try to work things out now as opposed to waiting 'til later.
In cases involving me letting down others, I've always opted to give space and time in hopes of mending wounds.

In my experience, this hasn't worked yet.
All it does is nurture hatred and let it grow.
End result, damaged relationships with little hope of recovery.
Take my first ex for example.
It's been 9 and a half years since she sent me spiraling down into my first nervous breakdown.
Do I want to speak to the she-bitch?

Hell no.

Her face, her voice, her cheap flowery perfume, they all send me into an intense hatred that rivals that of the "phrase."
People that know "the phrase" and have seen the end result are probably finding themselves saying "daaaamn." right now.
So yea, there are times when space won't solve anything, just make things worse.

I would also prefer to work things out while we still have the freetime to do so.
She starts school again on the 17th.
Culinary school starts February 9th for me assuming a small miracle happens for me in the next few days.
I've managed to convince them to hold my spot 'til Tuesday citing "possible postal issues."
Basically, if we did try to start patching things up in the future there wouldn't be much time to do so.
Sandee being too busy with her last semester of nursing school.
Myself with culinary school and off hours spent working to cover loan payments after graduation.

What about after graduation?
More than likely we'll be too busy working and any love between us will be gone or forgotten in the new hectic schedules.

Would getting back with her be a cure-all to all of my problems?
No. It'd be a nice start though.

Who reads this?
Your thoughts and identity would be appreciated.

Wondering if I'm meant to be like the lonely, old man I was having a conversation with at Starbucks tonight...

An empty house with just me and my thoughts doesn't make for a great combo.

The Random Quote:
"If you're somebody who's nobody, it's no fun to be around anybody who's everybody." - Anonymous

An example of modern, quality R&B.
Lots of radio play.
Consequently, it continually gets stuck in my head.

Ne Yo - So Sick

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cus you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice
Anymore

It's ridiculous
It's been months for some reason I just
Can't get over us
And I'm stronger than this
Enough is enough
No more walking 'round with my head down
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing
You were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calendar I had
That's marked July 15th
Cuz since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memories
And now every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason
I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing
You were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Oooh
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
Stupid love songs
Hey,
Don't make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm lettin go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing
She were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(x2)
--------------------------------

Does it apply to me?
I'm not entirely sure.
Had a conversation w/ an old high school bud of mine the other day.
Feels great to hear a familiar voice again by the way.
He received great relationship advice from an elderly couple in regards to staying together for so long.

"Don't break up."

I didn't want to break up.
I still want to get back together.
Some may consider me weak for wanting so.
With a three and a half year relationship that was filled with a good 98.765% of good memories, can you blame me?

For better or for worse,
For richer or poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
'Til death do us part.

Standard wedding vow.
All relationships are work, even the great ones.
We should be working out our problems together.
There was no infidelity, no abuse, nothing in my mind that we can cite as "irreconcilable differences."
Only things that can be solved and fixed with time.

I understand the need for space.
But taking time away from each other wouldn't be a healthy thing in a married life with kids involved.
All the time apart leads to is self-justification that it is a good thing to be apart.
People are so quick to find reasons to break apart relationships, what about the ones for staying together?

Sure I've found a rallying point to use to hate and forget Sandee.
I could always listen to all my friends that talk shit about her, stop defending her, and move on with my life.
I don't want to do that though.
The pros far outweigh the cons in this relationship, and all of the cons are fixable.

Only problem is, I don't know how long I can continue to think like this.
Or at least want to work things out.

To the few couples I know that are still together:
Don't break up.
Stick together and work things out.

For those that have been sending prayers my way in hopes of a better life for me:
Please direct them towards people that need them more than myself.
But if you must insist...
Make it specific.
Help someone with good credit to change their minds regarding this co-borrower thing.

It's so easy to hate.

The Random Quote:
"Cherish her love." - Brian McKnight

Hurrah for blues and filler posts!

Tom Waits - Warm Beer and Cold Women

Warm beer and cold women, I just don't fit in
Every joint I stumbled into tonight
That's just how it's been
All these double knit strangers
With gin and vermouth
And recycled stories
In the naugahyde booths

With the platinum blondes
And tobacco brunettes
I'll be drinkin' to forget you
I light another cigarette
And the band's playin' something
By Tammy Wynette
And the drinks are on me tonight

All my conversations now
I'll just be talkin' about you baby
I'm borin' some sailor as I try to get through
I just want him to listen now
Said that's all you have to do
He said I'm better off without you
Til I showed him my tattoo

Now the moon's rising
Ain't got no time to lose
Time to get down to drinking
Tell the band to play the blues
Drink's are on me, I'll buy another round
At the last ditch attempt saloon

Warm beer and cold women, oh I just don't fit in
Every joint I stumbled into tonight
That's just how it's been
All these double knit strangers
With gin and vermouth
Receding hairlines
In the naugahyde booths

And the platinum blondes
Tobacco brunettes
I'll be drinking to forget you baby
I light a menthol cigarette
And the band's playing somethin'
By Johnnie Barnett
And the drinks are on me tonight
-----------------------------

So yea, still could use some help.

The Random Quote:
"It's beer! Hooray beer!" - Red Stripe

For fans of the Mario Bros. click here.
That's pretty much the only fun part of this post.

Tonight's nightly bout with insomnia had me cataloguing what I have in my life at this moment.
...
Not much.

I could go into detail and list all the reasons why, but you're tired of reading 'bout it.
If you really did care you'd call, and I'd appreciate it.
I have a whole heap of minutes rolled over.

Let's just say that all the major and minor shit in my life over the past few months has rolled up into a huge sweet heavenly biscuit pile of shit that is just making me feel miserable right now.

If I had the support of family, friends and a fraternity, classes to worry about, and a job to keep me preoccupied I wouldn't find myself thinking so much.
But I don't, so I do.
And so I continually edge a bit farther into a deep depression everytime I'm left alone.

Hating life.
For all those that say I can be worse off: Fuck you.
I know.
I'm tired of hearing it, and I'm tired of telling myself.
I'm tired of many things and I find it increasingly difficult to keep up the positive attitude that I'm supposed to be known for.
How long am I supposed to be laughing off everything that happens to me?
Didn't know it was so comforting to be pessimistic.

For those that are worried 'bout me being suicidal.
Don't be.
I'm too rational to do so.
And when my mind was too weak, my body didn't let me.
I'm just not meant to kill myself on purpose.

Miss having something to look forward to everyday.

The Random Quote:
"Just trying to put my life together again." - JackSoul

To the people that blame me for having the weather be a reflection of my mood the past few days:
My bad.

At least it's sunny in booneville now.
Can't explain why, cuz I still feel a bit disgruntled.

I've dropped off a total of 19 job applications withinn the past few month.
Following up on them, I've learned that 12 have already filled their positions.
Good times.
Like finding out an application I dropped off last week never got to the manager.
Apparently the girl I handed it to "neglected" to turn it in for me because she wanted to help her friend get the job.
Stupid high schooler, why would you admit to that?
At the least, if she gets fired that should open up a spot for me right?

Anybody wanna watch Memoirs of a Geisha with me?
It's based on a book that takes a look at the lives of high-class Japanese escorts.
With all the main ladies portrayed by Chinese actresses.

The Random Quote:
"If knowing is half the battle, they're going in unarmed." - Anonymous

Happy New Years everyone!
Time for new beginnings and hopes.
Not like it can be as bad as last year right?
*knocks on wood*

Fun way of ending the year for me.
Got shot down by aunts, uncles, cousins, older brother, and godparents in regards to co-signing my loan application.
Probably deny it if you ask them.
Honestly, who wants to admit to turning down a family member in need?

"Why don't you just get a real job?"

Are you happy with your "real job?"
Most of the people I know in the "real world" hate their job with a passion.
I don't want the disgruntled employee, 9-5, office space bit.
I want something that povides the possibility of challenge and learning something new on a continuous basis.
One where I can grow and have an outlet for my creativity.
Something to keep my active mind busy.

If I seem desperate to get into culinary school, it's because I am.
It's the only option I can find right now that fits the criteria and offers stability financially.
Acting's too reliant on luck, something I have very little of these days.
Working my way up from intern at a radio/tv station would take too long to be financially stable enough to take over house payments.

My parents are very adamant about retiring in a few years, and they have every right to be.
They've worked REAL hard to get to where they are today and provide us w/ a quality life.
I just hope that one of these days I'll be able to properly show them my appreciation.
'Cuz it's been nothing but setbacks with me.

Sorry.
Just needed to clear my mind and didn't want to be a burden on anyone to start the New Years off with.

If love's a drug, I'm suffering from withdrawal.

The Random Quote:
"Boogity boogity boo!" - Anonymous